I have been mylotting for how many weeks now --an entire month I guess. I wanted to reach May's payout and indeed I had in days.

For the past three days, I started drowsing in front of my computer when the evening starts. My early-evening hour is like a worker's morning log-in time in their offices. I don't why, I take at least 6 hours of sleeping -- on my bed (you might probably think I'm sleeping in front of my monitor), I also eat -- well not in those customary meal time though but I eat good food when I do. But I fucking don't know why my brain and my eyes are trying to opposed me. I can't concentrate, I yawn more than a hundred times in a day, my keyboard and my mouse are now transfered to my pillow just in case para deretso na. I hate it.

For the past three days, I did nothing but surf and read non sense stuff online. So I thought of going back to my usual favorite, most-boring, engrossing interest -- reading a novel.

Few weeks ago, I dumped the other half content of Janet E.'s Ten Big Ones under my pillow, I thought of finishing it three days ago but the story seems too familiar. It's not my habit to just dump another novel and take another one but I did it anyway. I searched for some Judith McNaught's available eBooks online and bingo, I downloaded Remember When. I actually just finished reading it this afternoon.

The novel is nice and I like it but not nice as Perfect or Paradise or some other novels I read from her. But it's okay, hey it's Judith McNaught. :)

After I post this entry, I'm going to look for Double Standards.

I have loads of particular updates regarding the latest talk 'round here written in my private blog. I wanted it to stay as private because it would be destroying someone's personality but I'm disturbed and so everybody else.

A woman living in the same building and a "friend" of us made almost everybody shocked these past few days. We know her attitude which we all dislike -- pretender, insecure, immature, social climber, nanlalait, bitch, liar, jealous, overacting, maarte, boastful, domineering, plastic. Halos lahat-lahat na siguro. But the latest assessment that made everybody say "Oh" is something you wouldn't think she's doing. Isa pala syang dakilang mistress.. Actually napapansin ko na her friends are men and are mostly married.

There are issues came out about her from the past that you'll be more shocked than knowing she's a mistress. There's more. These issues are brought up and confessed by a "close friend" of her who dislike her too. Actually a lot of people who knows her from her previous job.

Naaawa, nandidiri, and naiinis ako sa kanya at this point. Sorry ha but ginaluod ko magtan-aw sa iya every time she talks to me.

Dear miSt,

I think of those nights I was lying on your bed wearing your light blue t-shirt and you're there sleeping beside me. I tend to look at you for hours thinking what would it be like to sleep with you forever. The memory of that sweet moment comes back to me sometimes and I honestly miss it. But I also think of those times that I felt foolish enough to prolong our relationship thinking I could write a whole damn novel about how I feel for you because from the very start I know it's not gonna happen. There will be no me and you in the future.

"I could write a whole damn novel about how I feel for you.." -- yeah, how can I forget this line. I was whispering these words after you told me you're going to leave the city and I know it's as if you're telling me that you're leaving me. And right at that moment you belonged to those men who made me want to cry but there's no tears falling -- because I was crying inside. I wished I just shed tears than trying to mend a crying heart that night. You hurt me and there's no use asking you to do something about it because the only thing that would heal the pain is you -- staying. And I know that you can't do that for me.

How sad that I have to let go without asking what would happen to our relationship I thought we had. The next thing I know, you're gone. Without saying goodbye. Well, maybe it's better rather than hearing those words. Maybe it's better rather than smile in front of you as if it's okay. Maybe.

Hunh. :(

Right now, I actually can't even remember the very last gesture you made because you never told me that the last minute I set my eyes on you was actually the last. You walked out the door as if you're coming back. Shit, I can't bear thinking that moment few weeks after I realized that you're finally gone.

Until now I was wondering, did it ever occur in your mind that I would be asking why? Did it matter to you that I somehow wanted to hear your explanation? Do I at least value to you -- ever?

I don't know what am I to feel for you. Do I want to see you? Do I still want to know how are you doing now? Do I have to know you're happy with someone? Damn you. Sana sinabi mo nalang na you don't love me because you can never love me back. Sana you treated me like a nobody during those times we were together nalang. Kasi kahit alam kong hindi talaga tayo pwede, I'm going to distance myself from falling for you.

I wanted to finally say goodbye to that memories we had but what the hell..

You hurt me and though I mended enough but still the pain -- every time you crossed my mind -- is still there.

Hunh.

Hey, time will come right?

Makakarating ka naman Joy diba?

I did a little shopping today. :) Jobless but shopping. :D

Ate gave me few bucks the other day. She wanted me to go out, she's checking up on me from time to time actually asking what I wanted to do. Blah, blah, blah.. I said, for now nothing. Hehehe.. I've been camping here in my room for almost over a week now. Never went farther than two blocks from my building actually (well except when I went home the other weekend) having the same routine e-very-day, eating the same meal, and talking to the same people. But I realized, I am not feeling bored doing all of this kahit everyday pa, may something missing lang and that I completely do not know what and how to fill it in.

Anyway, I bought some corporate attires and some whatever stuff. I thought I'd make use of the money for something I wanna do the for the next few weeks. I'm going to look for a job (that's for sure) and I'm gonna be needing these kind of clothing style. I'm happy I found on-sale stuff and in good fit.

So, another problem solve. Next is my cellphone. I've been using Chikka services for more than two months now. At first, I kind of like it because, aside from my sister's text messages, I don't need to be bothered by some demanding and tempting messages I usually get. Hehehe..

That would be my next concern.

I went home last weekend, just visiting. Everybody was okay. My nephew and nieces were in my parent's house ev'ryday -- scavenging for food. Josh ate almost all my Brazo and doughnuts. Prince sleep all day in my room. Balong watched television the whole time and that left me doing nothing at all. That's all I do when I'm home -- kain, tulog, tv -- and they all got it before me -- my Brazo, my pillow, and the remote. I brought a novel though but I didn't feel like reading.

PaMa asked how was my job hunting so far, I said okay. Because I wasn't hunting at all. Ate called and she gave me a proposition regarding my desktop and I'm kind of thinking about it. It's a good deal actually. Can't reveal it for now because it might not push-through then.

I was supposed to come back to my apartment yesterday but it rained the whole day and my clothes were still wet. Yes, I brought my laundry home. I used to do my laundry there since college. The laundry shop's rating is getting higher and Mama said why not bring my laundry home. Well actually my mother is always the one doing my laundry hehehe.. I always tell her I'll be the one to wash them the next morning. As if I wake up in the morning. :D It's actually an empty statement. When I wake up, my clothes are all dry. Ahahaha.. Love my mother.

I had late lunch around 4 in the afternoon and decided to have my dinner as early as 7 I guess. After main meals, Bing2 and I had a little chatty moment in my room regarding my career-to-be and you bet.. There was nothing to talk much about it.

After few hours I asked everybody who wants McDonalds? Alam mo yung feeling na you're not that hungry but you wanted to eat something? Something you can't name. That's what I'm feeling standing in front of McDonalds' counter. It took me minutes to finally ended up with chocolate fudge. But then the fudge wasn't that enough so we went to Chowking. This time I want Beef Chow Fan. I was actually with Bing2 and she bought the same thing. We decided to eat at the apartment because it's getting late. It turned out, nang dumating kami ng building, the Chow Fan tasted no good. I was disappointed because I still want to eat something. Haay, anu ba talaga?

It was as if one of the hardest moment of my life. Minutes after, nagyaya akong uminom. We were not allowed to bring liqour/alcohol inside the building but we do have a bottle of red wine, left over from a party. Though we prefer somethin' else but we tried the wine anyway.

After my first shot I stopped. Shit, that wasn't what I wanted to drink. Haay, anu ba talaga? ateMayette came, brought some fries and spaghetti but I'm sure I don't like those. When the balut vendor passed by, I thought of buying. We all went outside. And that was that. Enough. I had one balut and no matter what else I wanted, I just took my mind off from food and started myLotting.

Was it just the food or what? I wanted something and I can't figure it out.. What does that make me like..?

I'm sitting here thinking what to say other than I'm bored and I'm jobless and I'm depressed. For the past two days I haven't posted here, I was just here in my room anyway. My everyday routine is sleep around five in the morning, wakes up by lunch, sit in front of my desktop until around five in the morning again. That's how I live my life since college graduation. Well, I'm workin' on my earnings online day by day, changing my desktop wallpaper at least five times a day, eat more than five times a day and that's a must. Regarding my earnings, I'm maintaining four blogs now (young.joe, just an update.., getting a life out of it, and this one), clicking ads from nineteen different pay-to-click websites, and posting myLot responses using two different accounts. These, at least, makes my everyday life productive without a real job. Nagugulat ang mga tao dito if makita nila akong pumasok ng building, they would say "Aba Joy, lumabas ka? Finally, naarawan kana today." :D

(*sigh*) Well, I changed my nailpolish into black last night. I'm trying to maintain one main meal in a day and have more than one mug intake of coffee in 24hours. Guess, that's a bit of an update then.

The clock's not working outside my room, my own clock's not working too and I have no idea what time was it when I woke up today.

I jumped off my bed after slouching for over an hour remembering I have an appointment in school today. Damn, what time was it? Sure thing I'm late again. It took me another hour (or so, I think) to make myself beautiful and slide out to my door. I came to school to get my diploma back because my favorite name was missing a letter and I can't sleep well because of that. I also did few things, I requested my official TOR, I passed my yearbook solicitation, requested a resume format and my graduation pictures. Thank goodness I brought my patience with me and decided to stay though I came in the registrar's office jampacked. It's all done, except that I have to go back for my TOR after God knows when.

I headed for the exit when the urge to go somewhere hit me. Ten minutes after I was walking inside GS Ilustre. I look into some wool fabrics because I obviously needed them it times of interview. I was a little depressed of how it'll cost me if I buy today and so I dragged myself away from the textile section to shoes section. It caused more depression and I needed something. I wanna eat. No I just had my lunch. I wanna watch Bucketlist. Wait, it'll cost me two meals. I'm depressed and I'm not sure if I'm upset and I'm standing infront of the undergarments section like I'm in the middle of Jupiter contemplating whether to eat or watch the fucking Bucketlist. What should a person of no career, depressed, and having a hard time deciding between simple choices in the middle of Jupiter? Buy an underwear.

Okay, an underwear and a lingerie nalang to make me feel better.

My feet hurts after an hour of walking because I'm wearing my wedge. So I went straight to the exit before I start arguing with myself again of what to do next.

I arrived in my apartment around five in the afternoon feeling happier with my new undies. By the way, I bought a gray underwear with different colors of paws and Mickey Mouse prints on them. Ha. What else is more nicer than that huh? Anyway, I'm not so happy with my bra but it's black and I feel like my boobs are bigger than what I thought. :D And until now, the size of my breasts are still a mystery to me.

While waiting for my legendary PC to load stuff, I grabbed a pen and a paper and started scribbling something that seems to me like a poem.

Sometimes I sort of get myself into stupid stuff. Like.. Like feeling in love. I remember the last person I had a huge crush on. I could still remember when was the very last time I had sex (with a man and completely human). And I still recall my last dinner date with someone. But I barely know now if I ever did love someone. Naks.

Anyway highway, here's the poem.

It's not a poem coming from an in love person though but something like letting go of someone you wanted to love but knowing it'll never work out if you'll push it through. I could dedicate this to a lot of men I came across from the past but I dedicated it only to 2254. Name withheld so everything's in peace. Hehehehe..

When you said you want me,

all I could do was looked down

If you could see it through my eyes,

you'll see me longing

I know that you don't really want me

the way I want you to want me

You love someone else. You just want me.

And there's nothing else I could do about that.

I asked myself,

Why you? Why now?

And then I stopped.

There's no sense of asking.

You belong from the past.

A very long time ago

that deserves no-looking back.

Never.

I came to school this afternoon because I had no choice in the first place. We submitted 5 printed copies (thesis docu) for hard bound and I had to inspect it myself.

We were to print our thesis document today but I came early afternoon in school and Jopalz was already out doing some errands. So what I did, I took an advantage clicking my ads from 15 PTC sites of mine. HAH.. That's my sorry ass doing currently since I don't have a job yet. Clicking my ads using school's property is a thousand times amazing because their units are a thousand times faster than mine. Ahahaha.. No job, no money, bum life with a nineteen-forgotten-year-old PC. Shit.

Anyway, my thesis buddies (Karl and Jopalz) did buzz me for like a gazillion times the whole night but I wasn't online until around 10pm. They wanted me to go to Karl's place to print the document but I reasoned out that I can't go there because of this and that, chuva leches and all that. They offered me McDonalds, Jollibee, Frenzy, Red horse, Free fare.. Guys, if you then offered me a free ticket to NoWhereLand, I'd come in less than 30minutes. And so I won, as always. (*grinning*) I stayed in my room and they printed all of it without me. Well I was actually crossing my fingers during those hours because they were drinking while printing and I was just hoping they're printing the right files. Hihihi.. Ironically, I was the one who mess up because I sent chapters with wrong margins, wrong Acknowledgement, wrong certificate, etc., etc. Ahahaha..

Anyway again, while in the middle of sending them files, something bad situation came up. Jaja, my friend from the building felt bad and she wanted to go to the hospital. I, C_ _ r_y Joy Abe, good citizen of Lorenzo building offered to go to the hospital. PS: I'm not asking you to guess what's those missing letters of my first name. I just hate mentioning it, that's all. Anyway, together with my mates in the building, ateMayette, Adie, and Bing2, we all went to the hospital. My valid reasons why I went there though I hate to see people with wounds and knowing that dead people has special place in a hospital (though I'm not confirmed with that yet) is that, I wanted an inspiration and it's going to be unique this time. A hospital. Minutes of waiting became hours and I started to feel regression why I chose hospital as a place to get inspired. Wrong choice, tell you the truth. Especially if there's no living cute patient or doctor walking around.

We were able to get a semi-private room for Jaja after forty-eight thousand years of waiting and finally took her in between 1-2 in the morning. We were kind of like hesitating of who will take good care of her through the night since her parents is not yet around. AteMayette, enlightened by an angel, took the responsibility. I can't because I left my thesis buddies hanging onto my sending of our Chapter 3 which probably by the time we were deciding of who will sleep with Jaja, they're also planning for my assassination 'cause I told them I'll be back in an hour and it's super more than an hour by then. Hehehe..

We came back to our place nearly 4 and I had more than ten BUZZes and more than ten same messages (MSG: asa na ang chapter 3..). No death threat.

By the way, here's ang hindi mawawalang picture taking between life and death. :D